Rites of Passage & Ritual: A Misadventure in Finding Myself

I was bursting with enthusiasm as my pen hit the page.  So many ideas, so much more to learn, and so much to say! I had just decided to make a short video series for my upcoming project on human development, focusing on rites of passage- a ceremony or event marking an important stage in someone’s life. This topic is near and dear to my heart, especially because it brings to mind grand adventures, exotic ceremonies, and the joyful resilience of the human spirit.

During my own rite of passage in 2022 on Naked and Afraid, I had a moment of clarity: I want to help people connect to self-care and self-sufficiency through the outdoors and mindfulness. When I returned from that experience, I started my YouTube channel, @The Joyful Warrior.

So naturally, making videos about rites of passage for my master’s in counseling psychology seemed like a dream come true. I would be three to five short videos closer to my next rite of passage, where the universe confirms that I’m a successful solo-preneur guiding people on playful adventures that build unshakable resilience and authentic joy.  Three to five videos closer to doing it all through a blend of therapy, nature, and guiding others through keynotes, YouTube videos, and group work. Amazing right? No.

I quickly found myself as mobile and graceful as a deer in the headlights.

This project taught me that no matter how much we develop in mind, body, or spirit, there are certain things we never outgrow. While human development often follows a linear path, the habits and beliefs we form to protect ourselves do not. For me, perfectionism (or in therapy speak, a schema of unrelenting standards) tops the list. No matter how many "Oms" I chant or trees I hug, it persists.  If only I had the same attendance record as my perfectionism.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn famously said, "Wherever you go, there you are." 

Even if a tree grows to be the tallest in the forest, it can’t change the way its roots cling to the soil and rocks below.

I planned six, maybe nine videos, and drafted even more outlines. Every time I got close to recording, I found a reason not to. Some of those reasons were real. Last week, I had my first PTSD trigger and panic attack in years. It’s midterms, my brain is tired, life happens. But that’s not why I didn’t hit record.

This project was supposed to be about marking transitions, but instead, it made me confront how perfectionism seems inescapable. The truth is, the more I develop, the more my perfectionism evolves, too. It’s no longer the childish  “I’m not good enough,” it’s the subtle, mature, and rational-sounding excuses: “Oh, I can do it this other way that will be like... really amazing!  Maybe do it tomorrow because the lighting isn’t great right now. Oh, put on makeup first- but wait, I want to be natural and authentic, so… okay, let me just handle this other task first.”

When I finally sat down to write this paper, I realized something: no matter how much I grow as a human, no matter how many rites of passage I participate in, like a tree, my roots have grown into this rock of perfectionism. I could try to tear them away through some soul-seeking quest, or seek a new rite of passage ceremony, but that would be spiritual bypassing- the tendency to use spirituality or spiritual practices to avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, or unfinished developmental tasks.  So instead, I’m choosing something simpler: small daily rituals.

A lot of us wait for some grand rite of passage to tell us we’ve arrived. But life doesn’t always give us that. Like any human, my clients crave recognition and validation- proof from the world that they’ve crossed some threshold or earned permission to move forward. But the world doesn’t usually offer that. 

So, let’s create rituals of our own.

Two of the most powerful rituals I use are a “morning pages” journaling practice (from The Artist’s Way) and a quick nightly three-point gratitude journal.

When I flip through these journals, I see that in  2012, I was talking about having a YouTube channel. In 2016, I made my first videos, but they remained private and hidden. It wasn’t until October 2022, after Naked and Afraid, that I finally committed to YouTube. I guess being naked on national TV was the dose of courage I needed to publish a video with a whopping 200 views (and yes, despite having videos with over 100k views, some still get less than 500).  Now, almost exactly two and a half years after committing to weekly videos, I’m no longer just dreaming, I’m doing- imperfectly.  Even if I don’t have a ceremony to prove it, I’m in a new chapter.

I take a hybrid therapy-coaching approach to my work, balancing the future and goals with the past and things we carry.  Through my preferred lens of nature and mindfulness, I’m reminded that while both the future and the past are important, it’s only the present that can truly give us the validation and permission we seek.

 A rite of passage is a ceremony that honors the thousands of steps a person has taken to arrive in this moment, but it cannot exist without the small, courageous rituals of a single step forward, taken today.

So, what permission do you need ot take today's step?  What recognition do you need to know that you are on the path?  What do you need to feel like you deserve to be here?

Perhaps answering these questions is a new morning ritual to remind me that taking one step as myself, right now, is worth celebrating.