I’m Still a Fan of Naked and Afraid
The Truth Behind The Screen (pt.1)
I’m a huge fan of Naked and Afraid. You know, the TV show you watch clothed and comfortable as two naked people fight for their lives to get the same number of calories you have in that one spoonful of Ben and Jerry's? Yeah, that one.
It was confusion, disgust, and love at first sight. Seven years ago I was staying on the sofa bed of my parent's one-bedroom apartment in DC after an epically unheroic return home from years living abroad. Despite living in three countries and performing in 20, the one place I couldn’t bring myself to go was home. Home was where people loved and knew me well enough to figure out how broken my life and spirit had become. I preferred the company of strangers who could never get close enough to see the cracks.
So instead of making eye contact and having conversations with my loving parents, I watched Naked and Afraid. Full volume with a full bowl of emotions- I mean, Cheetos in hand.
As a lifelong nature girl, it was an easy watch. Plus, I loved that anytime I wanted to, I could see people who were suffering- not because I am a sadist, but because I too was suffering. I was isolated, ashamed, and very much in pain. I knew what PTSD was but I thought that was just for people like my Dad who had been to war. I was on that couch watching Naked and Afraid every day because I had neither the peace nor the power to survive the world anymore. I couldn't survive life. I could barely survive myself.
Three years before I first saw Naked and Afraid I broke my back in Chinese Circus School and with that any chance I had of starting my dream career as a comedian and circus performer. By some miracle in my early 20s, I recovered just enough to apply and be invited to a performance event in Europe. This is it! My last chance to make it! I never took the flight back home and instead decided to make a name for myself as an entertainer abroad. It was all going perfectly until less than a month in I was drugged and raped.
When life blindsides you what do you do?
Give up and go home, or succeed in spite of it?
I chose to succeed in spite of it. The only issue with ‘in spite of’ is that it’s all grit and no grace.
When I left the world behind to watch two bug-bitten naked people on TV, it was the only time I felt I saw people who might understand my suffering. Oddly, it normalized my experience and made me feel safe, hopeful even. More importantly, I saw the triumph of the human spirit as people overcame that suffering and learned to thrive, not just survive. The fact that I related more to hangry naked people slowly dying in the wilderness than to my fun friends really sums up how bad things had gotten. I mean who says “That BBQ sounds fun but instead I’m going to cry into a bowl of Cheetos while I watch naked people argue over who gets to eat the bigger half of the caterpillar”?!
This woman (Laura Zerra) was a massive inspiration to me and remains a Naked and Afraid legend. Thanks, Laura!
Inspired by the survivalists who thrived, I thought getting back to my nature-girl ways might help me stop having daily panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. It started as a small search for sanity on the trail and turned into one of the best ongoing adventures and most effective tools in my life kit.
Maybe I could be tough. Maybe if I could learn to navigate the wild I could navigate the maze of my mind. Maybe if I were as tough as the people I saw on TV I could find my way back to the joyful and fierce spirit that had been extinguished by trauma.
Over the years I pieced together my life one hike at a time, one campfire at a time, one breath at a time.
The skills I learned to survive the wilderness were the same skills that helped me heal my life. As the seasons changed, so did I. By learning to survive in the outer world, I found the courage to explore my inner world, and eventually survive it.
The first time I made fire with a bow drill I remember feeling moved to near tears. It connected me to my environment, ancestors, and reminded me I can do anything. If you ever get the chance, learn to make fire.
Nature gave me peace. Survival gave me power.
With time, I felt like me again.
By the time I reached ‘normal’ mental health, survival and nature literacy were more than hobbies, they had become my philosophical approach to life and helped me build what I call the Wild Wellness framework (you can learn more about that by following the newsletter or my social channels). As a healthier happier person, I could push further inside and out. Today I am doing well enough to be able to share these stories, tools, and lessons with others.
The more time I spend in nature the more I learn that being tough and rugged doesn’t mean you can’t be compassionate and joyful.
I’ve learned that my years of grit were what I needed to survive, but when I make room for love and grace I thrive.
Now, I’m doing well. I even started a nonprofit for other survivors in 2020.
I am doing so well in fact, that last year I got a call from a casting company asking me if I want to be on Naked and Afraid.
It was crazy.
Almost as crazy as saying yes.
A moment of celebration on my boat ride to start my first day of Naked and Afraid in Tobago. I love that the boat names is ‘Angel’. (photo: Ben Staley)
It’s now been a year since I left my Naked and Afraid challenge with Frank in Tobago. It was a profoundly personal and spiritual experience that will really only be understood by the partner I shared it with.
I went in a curious and excited fan, and I left as the Joyful Warrior. With that, I realized we all have a Joyful Warrior within, and recently I made a free quiz for you to discover what your Joyful Warrior Superpower is.
I quit my (amazing) job soon after returning and decided to share these tools and stories with the world. Maybe I could help others find their own version of being a Joyful Warrior, maybe Wild Wellness can help the world. I told myself that I processed the experience and I didn’t care how my episode turned out.
Today, when I saw my naked butt on TV, I realized that’s total bullshit.
I care deeply that I am going to be on Naked and Afraid. It means the world to me, not because I might get 15 minutes of fame or I look surprisingly good in mud (I really do), but because I realize how far I’ve come from that broken girl on my parent's couch.
Now I am the one on-screen giving her hope, encouraging her to go outside, to build her power, and find her peace. I care deeply because, with any luck, I may pass on the inspiration that was given to me.
I am a survivor, and a survivalist. And I am still a huge fan of Naked and Afraid.
And you my friend? You’re a Joyful Warrior too, find out what type here.
If this spoke to your personal journey in some way, and you’d like some guidance consider working with me.
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If you like this, you’ll love my YouTube channel where I do personal growth deep dives and artsy adventure vlogs. Instagram for small bits, and absolutely-tootly get on my mailing list for tips and exclusive content to support your own Wild Wellness and Joyful Warrior Journey.
You can also join me for a retreat in Tobago where I blend mindfulness, yoga, and primitive survival to help you cultivate grit, practice grace, and have a damn good time exploring world class nature.
Women can join me for an all female retreat in Maine to feel safer in nature, own their power, and nurture a new loving relationship with their bodies.
You can also book me as a keynote speaker- that’s my favorite and audiences love it too.
If you want to see my episode it's Naked and Afraid Season 15 “broke back jungle” in Tobago. My second Naked and Afraid episode is “there will be blood” in South Africa.
Huge thanks to the crew, production team, and those of you who support me along the way.
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